Marriage

I have seen so many failed marriages. Parents, friends, relatives, pastors... It makes me think what makes a lasting marriage. I know for certain that it's not a marriage that is looking for some type of financial or emotional gain. My mom married to escape her abusive stepdad. She married the first guy who proposed...that didn't work out. My engaged friend it waiting three years until she is out of college to get married so that she can be on her parents insurance until she's married...

And then there's my friend Becca who is happily married to the man of her dreams. They have a loving relationship that she never once has anything negative to say. She got married at 19...she didn't have to but she knew that he was the one and it probably wasn't financially smart..but who cares...right? There best friends.

I want that... I want what she has. I look at Jason and I can see us together for a very long time. I told him last Friday that I didn't know if he was my forever...and it's been eating me up inside. There will be no financial gain if we get married...we both have debt and i'm about to accumulate more... I can expect him to take all of my emotional baggage... I just have to let go of my past...realize that he'll make a wonderful husband. He told that he thought I would make a great wife (hopefully he still does) and that has stuck with me these last couple of days.

He's one of my best friends. I would be really sad if he wasn't there anymore, but he doesn't complete me. I complete me. I don't need anyone else....and when I am able to truly believe that with my whole heart is when I can be the best wife possible to anyone.

I think the best marriages are when two people who know themselves fully are able to come together...not as one but as two...two separate lives who are mixed up like a salad bowl not a melting pot...

You're so Amazing

This is the one I revised and actually sent:

All I want to do is feel better...
I want to be able to clearly see the situation and not freak out so much..
I shouldn't have called because this is something I'm going to have to accomplish alone...

You have to be fed up with my tears and irrational fears...
but still you stay and listen to my same crap..

And Im not stupid...I know that that you could find someone not so crazy..but you choose me and you have no idea how wonderful that feels!

I'm so glad that even through the tough times you still love me...

I'm blessed

not okay...

This originally was e-mail I was going to send to my boyfriend but decided against it.

All i want to do is call you right now...
and I want you to help me feel better and to tell me it's okay..
but you won't me call me...
and if I call I won't get what I'm looking for...

Because...
you're fed up with my tears...
annoyed with my fears..
too busy listen to the same old shit from me...

And I'm not stupid...I know...I know that you wish that I was different that I didn't have to be like that this. And you don't know how much I wish the same...

I wish I could be someone better...someone more together...someone that didn't drive you nuts...

Somedays...i wish I could take back texting you...take back being your girlfriend because then I would know that the only person I"m hurting is myself...and not you...and I would never have to feel the pain of disappointing you again and again when I cry and hate myself...

I hate myself...I hate myself................

Hope

I got a glimpse of hope today
a hand held out pleading with me to grab a hold
this will be my saving grace
what if there is no hope-
but how can that be-
Hope is everywhere
trust me
please?

Loneliness

Loneliness, why do we have to be friends?
I would rather be acquaintances,
when it's solitude I desire.
I wish your shadowless figure
would disappear
So I could be...
well Lonely

My Rock

You love is my rock.
I lean upon it,
I stand upon it,
it beats me up
I wish it could be-
softer

Perhaps a pillow.
To rest upon, cuddly,
and when it's rough
the sting is lessened.
I crave soft and gentle.
Intimacy.
Not dependency.
Is it I who choose?

Fear

Fear
Irrational Fear
I'm spinning crazily
but nothing is moving
who am I?
Does he love me?
Will I become something?
I'm no Queen Elizabeth,
Strength, I do not have...
but love I do...
slipping farther and farther away,
Where's my trust?
Then I remember the crisp blue suit...
And the all too familiar betrayal resurfaces!
Buy my world stopped moving a long time before.
What it caused by the love I lover for most?
Why can't I look to the heavens for peace?
Instead, I'm here...
looking at my feet,
urging to find me peace.